I have been working on synthesizing identity, as I have been describing. It’s been going pretty well, as circumstances rule out certain options. I started my MA in Consciousness and Human Potential this week, with apps for my school making my first week run smoothly, leading to my first perfect score of an assignment. It’s amazing how far I have come and how far technology has come, with me now embracing such technology, even though I used to fight it, despite being addicted to it.

Today I was describing on a Zoom call with some friends that I have just happened to live so many contradicting lives that I am almost possessed by different phases of myself. The group that I was zooming with are friends I made in DBT, even though that treatment is usually not encouraged of me due to me having a unique set of issues. We have all connected in certain ways, despite some differences of issues, but with today happening to be my birthday, it was extra special. It was nice to finally have a group of friends to connect with on my day.

In the past, I was often alone on my birthday, with a few exceptions of close family and a couple friends. I think last year I only got about a three birthday wishes on my Facebook. I haven’t counted this year, but that means that it was significantly more. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by such great people. It’s nice to even have social media to make me feel more connected with them while I am on my trip here in Fairfield, Iowa, staying at a cute Vrbo near a natural foods co-op, where I got my dinner from.

All this love has actually changed my personality. For the last ten years, I have almost always tested as a ENTJ-A, except that time I was off meds and I was an INTJ-A. The meds make me more social, but long term treatments have even more so made me social. As someone that has been diagnosed with some of the more grandiose personality types, I did not know what I was missing out on. Clearly, my traits must have shown, or I just was what I’ve always felt like I was, which was more disinterested in others than a reclusive lifestyle.

I am writing this now because despite a more schizoid social life, I still wanted friends more than fans. This has put me in a position of not wanting recognition until I knew that I had healthy connections to depend on. Now that I have that, I am moving closer to publishing my book, Waking Sky. I meet with someone later this week about it. It is a big step, but it will be nice to get it out of the way, especially now that I am a graduate student, no longer set on creative writing.

The program that I am in seems perfect for me. Although I did consider transferring to Pacifica for psychology, religion and consciousness, I found out yesterday that program is not an option because it does not accept applicants from Minnesota. It looks like I am locked into this program now. That’s a good thing though. I feel like I am in good hands, even if I do not want to move down here to gain work-study experience.

I came down here to Fairfield with the curiosity about moving here for the purpose of doing work-study, but I really do not think that I will. I have a good life up there in Minnesota: a good job, pets, an ideal apartment, and really good social connections that I have spent years building. Although I would meet some interesting people down here too, it’s hard to picture only seeing my current friends through the apps. Although the apps are nice, that side of me that has spent years without any definitely does take a hold.

The identity dialectic that I have wrote about in the past lives on within me. I feel that sometimes it may be a curse, but in my moments of recent bliss from a regular transcendental meditation practice, I feel so fortunate to have had the many lives that I have within the short now thirty six years of existence. I have been getting really good feedback from people about this lately. I even managed to score birthday wishes from family members that usually ignore my birthday.

I’m not just feeling bliss – I am feeling blessed! Life is good and I’m grateful not to just be sharing it with friends, but this solitary blog that I have hidden away even from them, with very few readers, but still a mind dump that has been much more beneficial than my years of talking to AI or binge messaging the government.