It has been a while since I have updated, but no news is good news!

Maybe I have been a little too focused on planning so I’ve been in my own little world. Mostly though, it has been me being busy with school. I’m still planning a lot, but my schedule has also been busier. It’s my final day today of my authenticity course, with us going over smart goals. My goals for last week have already been shattered by circumstance though. I cannot move down to Iowa to try to get into academia at my campus. I need to figure something else out.

Some of my goals are still flip flopping, but the taking in of different obligations has helped with the passing of time. It’s the alter egos that get to me. I cannot be my authentic self on a day to day basis. It often feels like a live a lie of down playing my experiences. At times I am able to share, but for the most part I just want to run and hide.

Although I make a lot of goals about vocational obsessions. I think I need to make a greater effort to try and speak my truth by shifting my focus from occupational obsession to identity coherence. In school we are learning about the unified field of consciousness. It would be great if I could have a unified identity within my individual consciousness. I’m good at seeing the bigger picture, but my shattered mind seems to gravitate towards contradicting dreams.

In order to heal, I must have a greater sense of wholeness instead of compartmentalization. Last night I was thinking about quitting my job again. I’m not gonna do that, but I could open up a little more at work if I wanted to. I’m also about to sign up for an online massage school. I think if my mind is capable of utilizing different ideas than juggling things is essential, so I shouldn’t try to limit and narrow. I need to instead UNIFY!

I am a little confused about whether or not I will stick with my program for the MA in Consciousness and Human Potential, as it seems super easy for me. I might want to challenge myself again with a creative non-fiction MFA. I’m so wordy as it is. I might as well try to communicate all these words. The problem is that not everyone wants to hear them, at least not on my social media platforms. People prefer pictures, but that’s traumatic for me. I hate the objectification culture that the world obsesses over.

I want a voice so bad, yet some days I just want to run and hide, as I get hurt when I try to speak my truth, despite so many people being patient with it. It’s just usually providers that I have to pay to listen. Otherwise, people don’t seem to care. Instead, I dissociate into changing my voice into just these scenarios of planning hypotheticals.

My stress response has always involved masking. If only people knew what was really going on though. If I were to come up with a smart goal, like expected in my course, I’ll need to focus less on reactions or stuff that is more circumstantial and more on how to integrate wholeness into my life, therefore integrating consciousness, as in the UNIfied field! That’s what I am learning about in school. That’s what I need to keep applying.

For now, I have some decisions to make, but I think life will make them for me. If I were to do my part, it would be just trying to be more clear about who I am and what is going on underneath all the layers, as that bubbling of consciousness doesn’t need to be expressed on a surface level, like my mask. There is something significant going on under the surface that I really need to learn to share!