I’ve still been in my usual whirlwind. It’s a lot to deal with. I did however go to my authenticity course. We went over values. It was sometimes hard to distinguish between what I feel I authentically value verses what I want to be a part of the values in which I live my life by. I narrowed mine down to three: Life experience, health, and brilliance. There were seven others that I circled, but I narrowed it down to those three. I was told we would repeat the project again at the end to notice any changes.

The ladies were all very nice there. I did share the more detailed parts of my story that usually I hide while repressing my true voice. I was not bothered by any age gaps or gender differences. I genuinely really appreciated the people there, as for some reason I am always around older people anyways, like those in my apartment and those at The Marsh, where I workout and go to sound healings. The Edge Magazine’s events are often older women anyways, even though younger people probably need it too. They just don’t go out as much anymore, at least not to the places that I go.

My published articles are through The Edge Magazine. That is who my podcast was with too. I have another opportunity to do another, after canceling my plan to do the second. I just needed some time to myself while I deal with this flux. Luckily, I am getting another testosterone injection in a week. That usually flattens me out a bit, as mind changing has been usually a result of me off of my hormones. Hopefully by the end of this journey to be my authentic self mixed with flattening out again can help me to gain the confidence that I need to speak again.

It still seems like any little bit of stimuli puts me into another trajectory. It’s like a pinball in a pinball machine. I just bounce off whatever hits me last. Just like all the other drastic changes I’ve wanted to make, last night I was up thinking about moving to Iowa, because I am going to be doing a program out of Iowa for grad school. I was reconsidering doing it online for doing it in person. Since it is my dream to work at a University, I saw that as an opportunity that made me even manic. I did not sleep well over this. I now know that because I track my sleep with a watch and all signs point to bipolar disorder. I usually get great sleep, but every few days I am sleeping less and engaging in goal-oriented behavior more.

My heart rate variability threw me off so much that I realized that the app might be wrong. Another one is saying something similar, but it is tracking it in a way that is more organized. Now I know what when I am at work my job as a sales man, my heart rate variability is doing really well. It’s a good thing I did not quit! My secret to such a success was that I made a handy pros and cons list, with the pros of working drastically outweighing the cons. It’s a good thing I checked!

Although I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself as an empath, because I don’t overly pick up peoples stuff, I am however very aware that being social is good for me, so I like being on the sales floor. But now that I think about it, if I am so sensitive to interactions, maybe it is that I am overly picking up the environments around me, and therefore the people. After all, I am highly influenced by external sources, meaning that every interaction that I have is indeed like a gust of wind that blows me onto another course.

Sometimes it helps writing things out to know myself better. Keeping a journal my whole life has made a huge difference in my identity, even if now I just do themed blogs or journals. For years, I was not very social, so it’s hard to differentiate that part of my past to my current state. I have lots of friends now and I am very social! It would make sense that such a change in behavior would be confusing to get used to when I am as sensitive as I am.

I don’t always like to consider myself a sensitive person, but maybe that is what I am going through. It’s good to work this out and know that I go through phases and sometimes it just does have to do with my hormones. I did get on an anti-anxiety medication too. Hopefully that will help me be more present too. Only time will tell though. For now, I am just gonna keep trying to be in the moment and not unnecessarily plan.