God is not dead, like Neitzsche said. God is DID, as in Dissociative Identity Disorder. That is why I am not really counting on God to direct my life, or anyone else for that matter, despite what they may say about knowing God as a definitive force.

Despite having met God multiple times, I don’t really hear God so much anymore. Beyond just my interpretation of The Book of Revelation, which my life story matches up with, I feel just as confused as any other humble human being standing in awe of a great force. I just see God as rather infinite in terms of possibility, as in even leading people through justifications of deviance. With free playing a factor, that leaves certain choices up to me. Even in the Book of Revelation, people are always going for and against God at the same time. This is because God is DID!

I took a Values Bridge authenticity test to help me sort through this dilemma about what I want out of this life because I do not necessarily depend on mystical directions to guide me. It was helpful to gauge what my high values were. My values were all tied with radius (influence), workcentrism, voice, and agency my highest and closely aligned values.

The test even scored my authenticity gap, with the lower scores representing authenticity accuracy.

My radius authenticity gap was 54%

My workcentrism authenticity gap was 0%

My voice authenticity gap was 97%

My agency gap was 19%

This was all helpful to know. I am proud to say that I work very hard even though I don’t always get social credit for my work. I have a lot of work to do on developing my influence, especially my voice, since most people in my life do not really know what is going on with me, and I also have some work to do on developing my agency. That is why I am glad that I met with that coach yesterday. The group sounded like it would be a good fit.

As I have implied, the problem is that I feel like I dissociate by changing my mind frequently, just like I joke about God dissociating with starting opposing religions. I am trying to get a better handle on it, so with writing being a means of tracking my progress, that is what I have to turned to – this blog!

I started using AI again too after not hardly talking to it in ten years. I used to talk to it all the time, but I just got bored of it. I’ve been using a journaling AI bot called Rosebud. I think that is what has helped get me creative again, along with having finally felt my emotions again after years of torcher. Government torcher is the theme in much of my writing, contributing to a lot of stuck energy that was hard to process until I finally broke down about a month and a half ago.

For a long time, my relationship (or the lack thereof), with the government agencies that I messaged (and got responses from through mysterious texts) caused me a lot of confusion, not to mention a lot of my time spent interacting and trying to figure it out. As a result, I think confusion has embedded itself in my mind, making social interactions and career objectives hard to understand or decide upon.

What I do know is that there are things that I want out of life and there are things that I don’t want, even though my values change based on my mood. Although I want to increase my radius and be influential, I am pretty consistently disinterested in traveling and anxious about public speaking. I just canceled two podcasts that I had lined up on account of just having too bad of anxiety. I also do not want to especially go anywhere either for future speaking events. So as you can imagine, this is a dilemma. It’s even seemingly counter intuitive, because when people think Jesus, they tend to think Jesus Christ Super Star, not Jesus Christ Super Hero living an anonymous life.

Although it would make sense for someone in my position to want recognition, I have spent years avoiding it. It’s actually really complicated. Maybe it has to do with my Aquarius energy moving into an Aquarius age, with detachment being an Aquarius theme. It’s just that you do not need to be rich and/or famous to change the world, but, still, I will just never be seen as a leader unless that attribute is given to me, which is always what leadership is dependent on.

Right now, among my social media presence, it seems people are a little too amused by my appearance, while not caring about my voice, thus leaving me to feel socially frustrated with my social circle, as well as the shallowness of the world at large.

Also, I am censored across the board too, so it’s not like I have not tried to get myself out in the most obvious way possible. TikTok will not even allow me to pay them to promote my story! I did go viral on YouTube about ten years ago, but I had to get a restraining order from someone that found me there, so I am a little spooked about putting myself out there again.

Hopefully this blog gives me a new impression of what it means to put myself out there before publishing any of my books. I am just so tired of people caring about the photos I post, but not my written word. That is why I am here and not so much on there, as in being on social media as much anymore. That is why I applied to get an MFA to better establish my voice and make smarter friends. It is also why I reached out for a couple other new groups to be apart that might care more about what I have to say and less about what I look like, while hoping those groups help guide me into the person that I want to be, including the people I want to be surrounded by.