When I took the MMPI in 2020, I was told by my provider that I had the lowest in depression and anxiety that the tester had ever seen. Those feelings, or I should say lack of feelings, stuck with me for a long time, but I have had the capacity to feel emotions again after healing my body.

For a long time there, I felt depression. I had not felt that in about ten years. All I could feel was anger for years. The anger has subsided, so now I feel what was under it, which was anxiety propelling my defensiveness. A lot of my writing during those days of not being able to feel were very hostile and defensive, rightfully so! Although, as my nervous system has healed, as in my physical health, I have gotten over my alexthymia and became more in tune to what has been going on.

The frantic planning is what has been going on. I live in fear that I will not find more meaning. I’m not so financially stressed, but I just want to find something more meaningful out of life, as those with meaning have better lives. It would seem that I have a lot of purpose already, but the liminality has felt like I lack an existential proprioception, so it feels like I am just floating in space and time.

Proprioception is the feeling of knowing where you still are spacially when you close your eyes, so much so that you can still locate your nose. For me, I just feel like I have been drifting, but more like treading in my case. That’s where we are at in the prophecies. Like I said, I’m here as Christ reincarnated, but nobody is allowed to enter my smokey temple, as it says in Revelation 15:8 while the seven bowls of God’s wrath are being poured out upon the world.

By smokey, it means that things are not so clear for me. My aura may be white, but I’m like a supernova, holding wayyyy too much energy. I possess all the colors of the rainbow with my white aura. That is why I signed up for a sacred rose ceremony tomorrow to help me move into this New Year with positive vibrations and hopeful intentions.

It’s not that I have been feeling so hopeless as much as it is restless. I get bored easily, so I was making all these plans, setting intentions, but while making plans in all different directions, while simultaneously trying to cancel all of the plans, like getting a MFA degree. I was even randomly looking at going to Iceland for a masters with free tuition. I have even been signing up for community college classes and then changing all the courses around because I can’t make up my mind.

I truly have been all over the place. I took tests that had said that my identity is confused. What’s even more confusing is how much time I spend taking identity tests to better understand myself while at the same time not understanding myself at all. Maybe it’s that I have indeed been MK ULTRA brainwashed and I am fighting certain programming – or maybe it’s just that my personality is too big to fit in one body. Really, I am such a paradox of a person, which is what energy truly is, with me possessing so much of it, even if I haven’t been utilizing it the way I would like.

For this New Year, I am going to refrain from setting too many intentions, but I did make some goals and reflected on last years, while writing them down and reading last years. I had a good year and I accomplished a lot. This year, I am just afraid of losing what I have worked hard for, like how I was contemplating quitting my job. I did not quit, but that is the kind of stuff I think about and have actually done. It’s time I move on though and gain responsibilities instead of run from them.

The year of the horse may be a fire element this year, but it is still my Chinese zodiac, with me actually being a metal horse. The last year of the horse was in 2014 when I was in Japan celebrating. It was an eventful year for me. I am hoping again that this year of a horse will be too as long as I can keep up for the ride.

Sitting in boredom with my free time may be spent being productive in thought, but it certainly has been contradicting in actions. Under this boredom, I am feeling anxieties about my future, even though I have it pretty dang good. I am glad I am not famous and dealing with death threats on a mass scale. I truly do have it made as an underground prophet, even if a lot of really bad world leaders have not been listening, making me feel like my purpose here has just been some solitary self interests, like doing art, which I don’t think I will be doing much of either, as I am too macro of a thinker for some micro pursuits.

It’s scary to think about needing to share my experiences, but I have found that as I do, new chords are made between those that genuinely do want to hear, and myself. I am lucky to have the social circles that I do and I look forward to another year of anxiety relief brought on by those that are also taking care of their minds, bodies, and spirits, because I highly value doing the same and I want to keep pursuing those interests.